ZIP YOUR LIPS: Guarding Privacy In a Marriage

I wrote this article, which appeared in the May 2013 issue of SISTERS MAGAZINE. Please visit their website if you are interested in subscribing.

“You don’t understand me. Are you even listening to me? I feel like I’m talking to the wall. You never listen. You never pay attention to me. I can’t take this anymore.”
You run out of the room sobbing, grab your phone, dial your best friend, and in between sniffles and tears, begin to relay the previous conversation with your husband.
“You’ll never believe what he just did now!”

After a long, sleepless week caring for your sick child, your husband returns home from work early with a bouquet of your favourite flowers, a box of your favourite chocolates and a copy of the book you’ve been longing to read. “I’m ordering food for dinner tonight. I want you to take the night off, lock yourself in the library and enjoy your book,” he whispers in your ear.
Talk about surprised! After gushing over your much appreciated gifts, you run to call your bestie to share your excitement.

Let’s be honest, marriage is a difficult, fragile thing, full of hard work. It’s not always those clichés; a stroll in the park, or a garden of roses. It’s all too common to have arguments with your spouse. Men and women are two totally different types of people, operating, thinking and reacting to situations in different ways. Men tend to be more logical, thinking with their minds, whereas women tend to be more emotional, thinking with their hearts. Sometimes there are periods where you and your partner have to labour hard just to make it through the end of a day together.

The bad times
Divulging personal details (whether they’re good or bad) about our marriages isn’t a good idea and can cause major marital problems. Turning to another person during the difficult times can prove hazardous; we risk backbiting which is hated by Allah. Anas said: The Messenger of Allah, swt, said, "During the Mi'raj (the Night of Ascension), I saw a group of people who were scratching their chests and faces with their copper nails. I asked, 'Who are these people, O Jibril?' Jibril replied: 'These are the people who ate flesh of others (by backbiting) and trampled people's honour." (Abu Dawud)

We risk placing a wedge between ourselves and our spouse by seeking compassion and sympathy from someone else. Our friend may unintentionally sour our hearts towards our spouse by listening and advising with her heart and emotions, and not with her mind. As women, it’s all too easy to sympathise with our fellow sister when she’s hurting, and tell her what she wants to hear, rather than what she needs to hear.

The good times
It’s just as important not to be spilling the beans during the good times too. We don’t want to risk accidentally sparking a touch of jealousy, or worse still, envy, in our friends/relatives by gushing about how wonderful our man is. If your friend is going through a rough patch with her husband and you are bragging about all the good things your husband is doing for you, she could begin to compare the two men. Shaytan could creep into her mind, reminding her of how lucky you are, and how generous and attentive your husband is. Meanwhile, she is feeling like her husband is lacking compared to yours.

No nosing!
It’s not always our own marriages we need to guard. Protecting the privacy of others’ marriage is just as important. The Prophet, swt, said, "Do not try to pry into the private affairs of other people, nor go after the secret affairs of other people. Do not find fault with others. Do not undo the business dealings of others. Do not be jealous of one another. Do not have grudges against others. Do not indulge in backbiting. All people should live like brothers.” (Bukhari & Muslim)

How often have we sensed a problem with our sister, automatically assumed it was marriage-related and begun to interrogate her? Allah I tells us in the Qur’an, “O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful.” (Al-Hujurat:12).

Other times, your best friend or close sister comes to you complaining about an issue with her husband or in her marriage. It’s good to be a supportive and caring friend; however, there are boundaries. When it comes to a marriage, the less the details shared the better.

What are the solutions or ways to protect your own marriage? During an argument when you see things are getting out of control, cool your temper by running to make wudhu and praying two rakat. You can prevent harsh, hurtful words to be spewed out in the heat of the moment. Don’t turn to a best friend or parent, or anyone else; turn to Allah. Read the Qur’an, make astaghfar (seek forgiveness) and do your best to strengthen your deen and your relationship with Allah. In times of good, it’s nice to say positive things and be appreciative regarding our husband. We can do it tactfully without all the gooey details. Simply say ‘Alhamdulillah, my husband is generous, or helpful, or considerate,’ and leave it at that.

Protect others’ marriage by not accepting details from your friends and family if they begin to divulge too much. This doesn’t mean that you can’t be supportive, it just means that you set limits or barriers on what you consider is acceptable to hear. Encourage her to seek relief in Allah. Recite Qur’an or quote hadiths as a helping tool. Try to lighten the mood by changing the subject and focusing on a topic she enjoys. Never backbite or slander her husband. If she is happy and begins sharing about a recent good deed he’s done, interrupt her by saying ‘I’m sure whatever he did is so lovely, and I wouldn’t want to ruin that by knowing about it too. Isn’t it nice to keep special secrets between each other?’ Be sweet and polite, but remind her that privacy in marriage is always better than sharing.

When to share
If abuse is occurring in the marriage, then it’s time to seek outside help. Turn to an Imam or a marriage counsellor who is qualified to give assistance. Also, it would be a good idea to make sure the person is unbiased and has no connection to your husband or yourself. Abuse isn’t just physical; it can be emotional too in the form of verbal abuse. Hearing continual put-downs and insults can be harmful to your self-esteem and your mental health. If your husband is beginning to not practice Islam this is also a serious matter that could constitute outside help. Skipping salats, missing days of fasting for no acceptable reason etc. and not giving your or your family their rights can affect not only you, but your family as well. If children are involved, he could become a bad example for them. By seeking outside help, you have a different perspective which could help mediate between you and your spouse.

We are social people, and need companionship. It’s natural and normal for women to want to share with each other, to vent, to release some stress and burdens. When it comes to openly sharing details about our marriages, we should practice a little more tact. If we must comment on our marriage, simple, terse answers are always best. It’s OK to ask for du’a or to admit when times are rough, just as it’s alright to be happy when times are good. The key to guarding privacy in a marriage is to confide in our Creator, not the creation.

Zahirah Elsayed is a wife and mother of three. She loves cats, all things bright and colourful, and cheeseburgers. Her goal is to become a published writer, and to open a women’s shelter for Muslims in the United States. She reverted to Islam 4 years ago. Allahu Akbar!

Muslim Women Converts Say "We Are Not Brainwashed" by: Theresa Corbin

PLEASE NOTE: I DID NOT WRITE THIS! This was written by Theresa Corbin and featured in Yahoo Voices. To see the article in it's original form, please click the Yahoo link.

Muslim Women Converts Say "We Are Not Brainwashed" by: Theresa Corbin

Recently, news stories about the deceased Boston Bombing suspect's wife, Katherine Russell Tsarnaev, abound. Reports speculate about her life and her choice to become Muslim.

The media, to its credit, have run some stories from the Muslim women's perspective, but by and large they are portraying Katherine, and women like her, as having been forced to convert to Islam.

Many news outlets are trying to portray Katherine as some sort of weak woman who fell into the hands of an overpowering force and was brainwashed straight out of Christianity and in the hijab, Islam, and the arms of a terrorist. They absolutely ignore the possibility that Katherine may have converted after much soul searching and reflection done of her own free will.

"She was a very sweet woman, but I think kind of brainwashed by him," said the Huffington Post, quoting Anne Kilzer, from Belmont, Mass., who claimed to have known Russell and her daughter.

When a woman in the West converts to Islam, it is always assumed that she has been coerced. Why else would she leave her life full of every imaginable freedom, right? She must have converted for a man, she must have been brainwashed, or she must have been at gun point.

The truth of the matter is that in the richest countries in the world, people, having all their physical needs and wants met, are still feeling something missing on a spiritual level.

To say that someone who has found spiritual fulfillment in one of the world's largest religion has been brainwashed is just insulting. It is a roundabout way of saying that women who convert to Islam are weak minded.

This is not the case by a long shot. Women who convert to Islam are typically outspoken, well-mannered, well-educated, well-informed, and conscious of their moral obligations to others.

When I converted to Islam, the sister who was giving me shahada (the statement of faith) asked me why I was converting. She asked me twice if I was doing it for any person or felt forced to do it in anyway. "Because," she said "if you say that you believe and someone made you say it, your faith would not be accepted from you. Allah knows what is in your heart."

So let's see what it really means to be brainwashed. According to merriam-webster.com, brainwashing is a forcible indoctrination to induce someone to give up basic political, social, or religious beliefs and attitudes and to accept contrasting regimented ideas.

How is it then that in Islam your faith will not be accepted from you unless you are sincere? Sincerity cannot be coerced. It is like saying you were forced to fall in love; it just doesn't work that way.

And where is the follow up to the brainwashing? In order to sustain a state of "brainwashing," you also must isolate the subject from the outside world. You don't see this with Muslim converts. They go on to study at universities; work as teachers, scientists, military personnel, journalists and so on; do charity work; they are politically active, and motivated to be productive members of society.

With headlines like "Islam is Fastest Growing Religion in the United States" from the U.S. Department of Defense -- and many more like it -- journalists are scrambling to find a reason for so many people entering Islam in the West.

Women convert to Islam for a million reasons, none of them having anything to do with coercion.

Muslim women who have converted all over the world are standing up and rejecting the media's portrayal of them as feeble minded or weak. "We can speak for ourselves. And we will." says a Muslim American convert who joined a "We are not brainwashed" campaign on Facebook in support of Russell Tsarnaev's choice to become Muslim.

One Muslim American convert from the Facebook group says, "I am a Muslim now for 10 years, alhamduliAllah (All thanks and praises are due to God). I was raised a Baptist Christian in a southern family from South Carolina. I reverted at the age of 15 all on my own free will."

Another Muslim convert from Oklahoma says, "I married a wonderful Muslim man who never forced anything on me! If I had questions he would answer them, but never more than that. He would secretly make dua'a (supplication) for me to become Muslim. Seven years later I did it on my own without him even knowing."

In a time when women have more choices than ever, some women are choosing Islam. And they are starting to demand respect for this choice.

Published by Theresa Corbin
Theresa Anne Corbin holds a Bachelor of Arts degree in English Literature from the University of South Alabama. She is a freelance writer, a terrible photographer, an award winning poet, and a notorious smar... View profile at Yahoo.

Here I Am

by: Zahirah Elsayed




Prostrating in the quiet dark I’m finally able to exhale the day’s events. With a deep sigh I release all the tension, stress, worries and struggles. I close my eyes and turn to Al- Wakil, (the ultimate trustee, the disposer of affairs) handing over my burdens with relief and confidence in Ar-Razzarq (the provider). As my forehead rests on the floor like a child’s resting on her mother’s lap, I seek refuge in Ar-Rauf (the most kind). My heart overflows with gratefulness and love to Ar-Rashid (the guide) for uncovering my eyes, softening my heart, revealing the truth of His religion, and for placing me on the straight path. Allahu Akbar! Tears stream down my face as I repent to Al-Gaffar (the forgiver). My life and my world belongs to Ar-Rahman (the compassionate), Ar-Rahim (the merciful).

A Letter to the Culture that Raised Me by Yasmin Mogahed

Growing up, you read me the Ugly Duckling. And for years I believed that was me. For so long you taught me I was nothing more than a bad copy of the standard (men).

I couldn’t run as fast or lift as much. I didn’t make the same money and I cried too often. I grew up in a man’s world where I didn’t belong.

And when I couldn’t be him, I wanted only to please him. I put on your make-up and wore your short skirts. I gave my life, my body, my dignity, for the cause of being pretty. I knew that no matter what I did, I was worthy only to the degree that I could please and be beautiful for my master. And so I spent my life on the cover of Cosmo and gave my body for you to sell.

I was a slave, but you taught me I was free. I was your object, but you swore it was success. You taught me that my purpose in life was to be on display, to attract, and be beautiful for men. You had me believe that my body was created to market your cars. And you raised me to think I was an ugly duckling. But you lied.

Islam tells me, I’m a swan. I’m different – it’s meant to be that way. And my body, my soul, was created for something more.
God says in the Qur’an, “O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted.” (49:13)

So I am honored. But it is not by my relationship to men. My value as a woman is not measured by the size of my waist or the number of men who like me. My worth as a human being is measured on a higher scale: a scale of righteousness and piety. And my purpose in life – despite what the fashion magazines say – is something more sublime than just looking good for men.

And so God tells me to cover myself, to hide my beauty and to tell the world that I’m not here to please men with my body; I’m here to please God. God elevates the dignity of a woman’s body by commanding that it be respected and covered, shown only to the deserving – only to the man I marry.

So to those who wish to ‘liberate’ me, I have only one thing to say: “Thanks, but no thanks.”

I’m not here to be on display. And my body is not for public consumption. I will not be reduced to an object, or a pair of legs to sell shoes. I’m a soul, a mind, a servant of God. My worth is defined by the beauty of my soul, my heart, my moral character. So, I won’t worship your beauty standards, and I don’t submit to your fashion sense. My submission is to something higher.

With my veil I put my faith on display – rather than my beauty. My value as a human is defined by my relationship with God, not by my looks. I cover the irrelevant. And when you look at me, you don’t see a body. You view me only for what I am: a servant of my Creator.

You see, as a Muslim woman, I’ve been liberated from a silent kind of bondage. I don’t answer to the slaves of God on earth. I answer to their King.

Things that will draw you closer to Allah

This is from an article in Al-Jumuah magazine, volume 18, issue 02 (March 2006).

-Begin your day with the salah of Fajr, follow it with the morning rememberances and supplications, and then get off to work.
-Read the Quran ever day; read with observing not just passing your eyes through the words.
-Offer the salat of adh-dhuha (mid-morning). Brighten your day by offering salat in the mesjid.
-If someone says something mean to you, shrug it off and dismiss it in a friendly, laidback manner, and pray that Allah shall forgive them.
-When you get angry, change your position- sit or lay down. Seek refuge with Allah from Shayton, try to do something productive- busy your mind.
-When you are happy, try to share your happiness with others. Remember Allah and thank Him by sharing it with those close to you. Do something good.
-When something bad or embarrassing happens to you, thank Allah, remember that it is not worse.
-Do something extra of goodness once in a while, like feeding a poor person, or caressing an orphan's head.
-Never stop believing that you can win Allah's love and thus work for it.
-Spend some time thinking of Allah's amazing creation.
-Always love those who love Allah unconditionally. This way you will ensure that you live for Him, love for Him.
-Find the righteous ways to express yourself, and if you think that what you are about to say will yield no benefit, maintain silence.
-Every now and then, give yourself a break. Play sports, give time to your family, friends, but always remember Allah and know that He is watching you.
-Hug your parents, kiss their hands and heads and always obey but stop at Allah's orders.
-Smile to everyone, for your smiles makes a big difference to him or her and you are rewarded.
-Forgive, forget and smile.
-When people criticize your actions and efforts, revise your actions and see if they please Allah or not. If they do; then ignore and remember how the Prophet, pbuh, and his companions were critisized, made fun of and even physically harmed, so have patience.
-Don't let popularity go to your head, for it never lasts and you may lose from it more than gain.
-Never look down on anybody, for, to Allah, they may be better than you.
-PUT ALLAH FIRST IN YOUR LIFE!

More articles from Al-Jumuah magazine can be viewed. Insha'Allah (Allah willing) we will strive daily to be closer to Him.

Sharia Law: What is it and Why is it so feared?

Lately there's been a big fuss over Sharia Law. But the people who are making the fuss about it obviously don't understand it or know anything about it, or they wouldn't be complaining and causing such commotion over it. I will never understand why anything unknown is assumed horrible. Are we really such a lazy nation that we would rather make assumptions and let the media tell us how and what we should think about different things instead of finding the truth ourselves? We're becoming a nation very similar to that found in the book 1984 by George Orwell. Why anyone would allow themselves to be told what to think and feel about issues, people, etc is beyond me. Sharia Law is nothing to be feared, or hated.

The word sharia comes from the Arabic root word shary meaning to make laws. No sharia laws have been made by man. They are all revealed to us through the Prophet Muhammad, pbuh, and can be found in the Quran and also in the teachings and actions of the Prophet, pbuh. Wikipedia explains in major detail about sharia law, the countries that follow it, and much more. This is a good article explaining what's going on now in the US and how our country is dealing with the issue of sharia and also a little history of sharia.

Why fear Sharia law? Allah says in the Quran "O you who have believed, obey Allah and obey the Messenger and those in authority among you. And if you disagree over anything, refer it to Allah and the Messenger, if you should believe in Allah and the Last Day. That is the best [way] and best in result." Quran 4: 59 Note He said to "follow those in authority among you." Yes, as Muslims we are called to follow and obey Allah and His commands, but we are ordered to follow the 'law of the land' or whoever is in charge. As far as the second part of the ayat is concerned, it is referring to individual disagreements. In the time of the revelation of the Quran, there was no court systems in Arabia, so matters would be taken to tribal leaders. Allah was saying go to the Prophet Muhammad, pbuh, because he was receiving Allah's laws which is the Quran. You will not find a scholar or imam, or religious leader who is truly following Islam who will tell you it is acceptable to go against the laws of the country in which you are living. This is obviously unacceptable or Islam would be encouraging lawbreaking and self-governing.

Sharia law holds people strictly accountable for their deeds and actions. Sheikh Siraj Wahhaj spoke on this topic last year during an Islamic convention. Please check it out to better understand Sharia Law. Any mistakes are made from the men and women who interpret the laws, and not by Allah Who created them as Allah knows better than us what is best for us. Not to mention, Allah is perfect and incapable of making mistakes. Sharia is nothing to be feared.

With Hardships Come Ease: A test of Patience

We all go through patches of rough times. It's easy to be overwhelmed during difficult times and let the circumstances blind us of the bigger picture. We become the professional pessimist, capable of picking out the tiniest negatives and often overlooking or even completely missing the positives. Trials and difficulties are inevitable. Allah tells us this in the Quran. It's how we react during the difficult times, and how we handle the situations that matters.

We've all heard the saying 'Jennah isn't free.' Think about it. If everything in this life on earth was always easy, happy, smooth and blessed, what would make us yearn for an eternity in Jennah? It's through these struggles and hardships that Allah reminds us of the bigger picture; Jennah. "Did you think that you would enter Heaven without Allah testing those of you who fought hard (in His cause) and remained steadfast?" Quran 3:142 "Or do you think that you will enter Paradise while such [trial] has not yet come to you as came to those who passed on before you? They were touched by poverty and hardship and were shaken until [even their] messenger and those who believed with him said," When is the help of Allah?" Unquestionably, the help of Allah is near." Quran 2:214 "And We will surely test you until We make evident those who strive among you [for the cause of Allah] and the patient, and We will test your affairs." Quran 47:31 "For such the reward is forgiveness from their Lord, and Gardens with rivers flowing underneath,- an eternal dwelling: How excellent a recompense for those who work (and strive)!" Quran 3:136

The main key to successfully getting through difficult times is by being patient, as Allah has made very clear in the Quran. "Except for those who are patient and do righteous deeds; those will have forgiveness and great reward." Quran 11:11 "Peace be upon you for what you patiently endured. And excellent is the final home." Quran 13:24 "O ye who believe! seek help with patient perseverance and prayer; for Allah is with those who patiently persevere." Quran 2:153

Reflect on those before us and their trials. Abraham's commitment to Allah and willingness to sacrifice his son. Moses' struggles with Pharaoh, leading the people out of Egypt through the desert, only to have them turn to idol worshiping. Noah's obedience to build and ark while all the towns people were calling him insane and mocking him. Then having to leave his son behind because of his disbelief. Muhammad (saw) having to live everyday watching his back for assassins among his neighbors and even family. Summayah, ra, who was the first martyr in Islam, being tortured to death for her beliefs. Reflect on those around the world now and their trials. People of Palestine and Syria who are faced with violence and oppression daily. Remembering these people puts our struggles in perspective. Many of us are so blessed. We must be careful to recognize it and to thank Allah.

Make dikr (remember Allah) often. Call on Him by His beautiful names. Make supplications or duaa to Allah. The Prophet, saw, said 'Allah is Ever Generous and shy if a servant raises his hand to Him, to return them vacant.' At-Tirmidhi 3/179 Thank Him for our blessings. Become the optimist during times of hardships and pain. Dwell on the good. Fight to make the best of the situation you are in. Struggling with money? Use it as a way to pull your family closer together insha'Allah. Include everyone, especially kids, to be creative in ways to save money and survive on less. Your kids will feel special for being involved, it will add more responsibility to them, and help them realize the value of money, and put perspective on what is genuinely important, and what are just unnecessary wants. Struggling with family members, co-workers, neighbors, or even friends? Turn to hadiths. There's no better example of how to deal with hostility and turmoil among family or neighbors than from the Prophet, saw. Struggling with infertility? Look to Ayisha, ra, and other positive role models in Islam. Seek Allah's guidance and think outside of the box. Be a mentor, become a woman scholar, write positive, educational books for muslimahs, use your voice to further Allah's religion. Volunteer in orphanages, children's hospitals, etc.

This short little video made by another muslimah is a perfect example of what I've been trying to say. Insha'Allah please watch it.

Allah promises us in the Quran "For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. So when you have finished [your duties], then stand up [for worship]. And to your Lord direct [your] longing." Quran 94:5-8 "And He provides for him from (sources) he never could imagine. And if any one puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is (Allah) for him. For Allah will surely accomplish his purpose: verily, for all things has Allah appointed a due proportion." Quran 65:3 "That is the Command of Allah, which He has sent down to you: and if any one fears Allah, He will remove his ills, from him, and will enlarge his reward." Quran 65:5 There is no better comfort than the promise of the Lord of the alamin.

I Am That Hijab

There's an overwhelming interest in hijab. Most of my page views are from people searching 'hijab.' Because of this, I was doing a little search of my own, found this lovely poem and wanted to share it.