I wrote this article, which appeared in the May 2013 issue of SISTERS MAGAZINE. Please visit their website if you are interested in subscribing.
“You don’t understand me. Are you even listening to me? I feel like I’m talking to the wall. You never listen. You never pay attention to me. I can’t take this anymore.”
You run out of the room sobbing, grab your phone, dial your best friend, and in between sniffles and tears, begin to relay the previous conversation with your husband.
“You’ll never believe what he just did now!”
After a long, sleepless week caring for your sick child, your husband returns home from work early with a bouquet of your favourite flowers, a box of your favourite chocolates and a copy of the book you’ve been longing to read. “I’m ordering food for dinner tonight. I want you to take the night off, lock yourself in the library and enjoy your book,” he whispers in your ear.
Talk about surprised! After gushing over your much appreciated gifts, you run to call your bestie to share your excitement.
Let’s be honest, marriage is a difficult, fragile thing, full of hard work. It’s not always those clichés; a stroll in the park, or a garden of roses. It’s all too common to have arguments with your spouse. Men and women are two totally different types of people, operating, thinking and reacting to situations in different ways. Men tend to be more logical, thinking with their minds, whereas women tend to be more emotional, thinking with their hearts. Sometimes there are periods where you and your partner have to labour hard just to make it through the end of a day together.
The bad times
Divulging personal details (whether they’re good or bad) about our marriages isn’t a good idea and can cause major marital problems. Turning to another person during the difficult times can prove hazardous; we risk backbiting which is hated by Allah. Anas said: The Messenger of Allah, swt, said, "During the Mi'raj (the Night of Ascension), I saw a group of people who were scratching their chests and faces with their copper nails. I asked, 'Who are these people, O Jibril?' Jibril replied: 'These are the people who ate flesh of others (by backbiting) and trampled people's honour." (Abu Dawud)
We risk placing a wedge between ourselves and our spouse by seeking compassion and sympathy from someone else. Our friend may unintentionally sour our hearts towards our spouse by listening and advising with her heart and emotions, and not with her mind. As women, it’s all too easy to sympathise with our fellow sister when she’s hurting, and tell her what she wants to hear, rather than what she needs to hear.
The good times
It’s just as important not to be spilling the beans during the good times too. We don’t want to risk accidentally sparking a touch of jealousy, or worse still, envy, in our friends/relatives by gushing about how wonderful our man is. If your friend is going through a rough patch with her husband and you are bragging about all the good things your husband is doing for you, she could begin to compare the two men. Shaytan could creep into her mind, reminding her of how lucky you are, and how generous and attentive your husband is. Meanwhile, she is feeling like her husband is lacking compared to yours.
No nosing!
It’s not always our own marriages we need to guard. Protecting the privacy of others’ marriage is just as important. The Prophet, swt, said, "Do not try to pry into the private affairs of other people, nor go after the secret affairs of other people. Do not find fault with others. Do not undo the business dealings of others. Do not be jealous of one another. Do not have grudges against others. Do not indulge in backbiting. All people should live like brothers.” (Bukhari & Muslim)
How often have we sensed a problem with our sister, automatically assumed it was marriage-related and begun to interrogate her? Allah I tells us in the Qur’an, “O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin. And do not spy or backbite each other. Would one of you like to eat the flesh of his brother when dead? You would detest it. And fear Allah; indeed, Allah is Accepting of repentance and Merciful.” (Al-Hujurat:12).
Other times, your best friend or close sister comes to you complaining about an issue with her husband or in her marriage. It’s good to be a supportive and caring friend; however, there are boundaries. When it comes to a marriage, the less the details shared the better.
What are the solutions or ways to protect your own marriage? During an argument when you see things are getting out of control, cool your temper by running to make wudhu and praying two rakat. You can prevent harsh, hurtful words to be spewed out in the heat of the moment. Don’t turn to a best friend or parent, or anyone else; turn to Allah. Read the Qur’an, make astaghfar (seek forgiveness) and do your best to strengthen your deen and your relationship with Allah. In times of good, it’s nice to say positive things and be appreciative regarding our husband. We can do it tactfully without all the gooey details. Simply say ‘Alhamdulillah, my husband is generous, or helpful, or considerate,’ and leave it at that.
Protect others’ marriage by not accepting details from your friends and family if they begin to divulge too much. This doesn’t mean that you can’t be supportive, it just means that you set limits or barriers on what you consider is acceptable to hear. Encourage her to seek relief in Allah. Recite Qur’an or quote hadiths as a helping tool. Try to lighten the mood by changing the subject and focusing on a topic she enjoys. Never backbite or slander her husband. If she is happy and begins sharing about a recent good deed he’s done, interrupt her by saying ‘I’m sure whatever he did is so lovely, and I wouldn’t want to ruin that by knowing about it too. Isn’t it nice to keep special secrets between each other?’ Be sweet and polite, but remind her that privacy in marriage is always better than sharing.
When to share
If abuse is occurring in the marriage, then it’s time to seek outside help. Turn to an Imam or a marriage counsellor who is qualified to give assistance. Also, it would be a good idea to make sure the person is unbiased and has no connection to your husband or yourself. Abuse isn’t just physical; it can be emotional too in the form of verbal abuse. Hearing continual put-downs and insults can be harmful to your self-esteem and your mental health. If your husband is beginning to not practice Islam this is also a serious matter that could constitute outside help. Skipping salats, missing days of fasting for no acceptable reason etc. and not giving your or your family their rights can affect not only you, but your family as well. If children are involved, he could become a bad example for them. By seeking outside help, you have a different perspective which could help mediate between you and your spouse.
We are social people, and need companionship. It’s natural and normal for women to want to share with each other, to vent, to release some stress and burdens. When it comes to openly sharing details about our marriages, we should practice a little more tact. If we must comment on our marriage, simple, terse answers are always best. It’s OK to ask for du’a or to admit when times are rough, just as it’s alright to be happy when times are good. The key to guarding privacy in a marriage is to confide in our Creator, not the creation.
Zahirah Elsayed is a wife and mother of three. She loves cats, all things bright and colourful, and cheeseburgers. Her goal is to become a published writer, and to open a women’s shelter for Muslims in the United States. She reverted to Islam 4 years ago. Allahu Akbar!
MASHAA'ALLAH
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